A Vessel With a Broken Soul 心灵

Hi there. It has been quite sometimes since I last wrote in here. Actually, I have a lot of things to write but they were so much that I ended up writing none here.

Things change. I have spent two months here and I'm nearing the finals soon. I guess I am not ready yet. I always am. I lost a place to hold on.

Alas,

Have you ever felt in your life that you're such a jerk, such an asshole and useless? I don't know all these things around me, all these feelings, these hatred and grief, they're all mixed up together I don't know what is this all about?

I think my soul is corrupted.

I Need a Date (like seriously!) 枣

I need a date. Seriously.

Or maybe not a date, but a lot of dates. And raisins too. It has been a while. And I miss those awesome food so much.

I remember buying dates and bags of raisins from the stalls around the Great Blue Mesjid of Shah Alam. Or what people call "masjid negeri" Lols.

I prefer dates that are soft, tender and not too dry. Like totally spies, I totally like such dates. Whilst, the raisins, they were big and juicy, fresh and they exist in yellowish and dark purple in colors And of course they are delicious. They aren't like the raisins that I used to eat before (I never liked raisins until I met the one in Shah Alam).

Also not to be forgotten, the dried "buah tin" omg I missed them so much I hope they just fall from the sky right now.

I, is sober. Are you?

People 人

Sometimes, I wonder,
how people can be so annoying?
how people can be so selfish?
how people can be so cruel?

This is madness!
How could someone felt happy when making others angry?
How does committing bad deeds give them pleasures?

And then I realized,
it is because they didn't know how good it is to do the opposite,
because they have hearts,
but empty.

Still I Fly 翱翔

I, seriously didn't have time.

Although I know we all have the same exact time given by our Creator.

Perhaps it's just me.

I wanted to write ever since, however things were pretty hectic. It started with Ramadan and then I got hired as a temporary teacher for about two months at a boarding school. Then the salary took sometimes to be paid. And then there was Raya and oh it was my birthday anniversary. I wanted to write something on that day but, time wasn't so friendly with me.

And suddenly my offer for further study was out and I had to register in the next three days (how can I prepare in three days?). I am grateful though.

Here, I come with spirits like never before. And things in the past shall never bother me anymore because I, have changed.

I am no longer the same person you used to know in the past. Because I bring with me something I did not have before;

hope.

And this time, it is as high as Laghima's peek. Because I know hope alone is not enough, so I tagged along courage, and spirit, which come with the blessings from the Creator, it may not fade.

Because still, I fly.

To Remember 记得

He breathes

He eats

He sleeps

He smiles

And sometimes he gets angry

Because in the end

He is just a human being

He does what other people do

Except one thing

He didn't weep

Not that he didn't try to

But he couldn't

Because he waited

And after a very long period of time waiting

His heart drifted

Hardened

Probably no more

Even if there is

It's half dead

Dry, and it's shedding

Just like the falling leaves

Because he forgot

to remember his Lord.

A Gift Between Life and Death 媽媽

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom's birth. That would be the first moment she saw the world filled with turbulence and tests - wait, what? Though I'm not so sure people say newborn babies cannot see, but this is not about that.

Seriously, I don't know how should I do this but, I'm running out of idea. There is just plain nothing in the world that is best fitting as gift.

And later that I know, the gift is always there.

"The best gift during a birthday is seeing the person who gave birth to you be right by your side."

If the best gift for me would be my mother, then my mother's best gift is my grandmother!

I used to hear some voices say:

"Why should we give presents for those who repeated another year of the same date he/she was born? What had they done so they deserve such ceremonies? They'd done absolutely nothing. The mother however, battled between life and death for her baby to experience life.

They are the one who should be celebrated. Another year passed, we should be grateful the person who'd carried us nine months in her womb is still there to breathe life. Why can't we be the best present for them - at least we could try.

Even if our mother has become one of the shining stars in the midst of night, dua's from her children is what makes it so. She's the luckiest star then.

Okay this is a very cliche wordings but,

They don't need a single cent from us - but maybe we can still help them pay the bills - and all we have to do is love and appreciate them the same way they did to us, though we should do more.

Sometimes it may be difficult, but hey should we be giving up already, we will never forgive ourselves. Ever heard of the idiom "one good turn deserves another"? 

Patience and passion is what we need most.

Nothing comes easy la bro.

Ambiguous 曖昧

Sometimes when things aren't easy for us
The best thing to do is nothing
Let time wipes everything away
And soon we will find happiness
In the mist of cold evening air

We live not to please ourselves
Neither to hurt everybody else
So long as the moon reflects
We still have time to search
In the deep of heavy sand's gust

Happiness is not seeing others'
Far more than letting others see
Buried in the heart it is hidden
Not known only by the Owner

What is obvious is often no doubt
But what is doubted were sometimes obvious
On solid ground there may be a way
In times of sadness things will just fade away

Sleeping... Not Mad 睡眠

Sometimes we think we know, but we don't.

Sometimes we think we have been awaken, but we're sleeping.

We are not always correct, I am not.

In fact, have I ever been right?

About anything?

And sometimes, it's best to remain silent. Be quiet.

Well, a quiet man is a thinking man.

A quiet woman, is usually mad, they say.

Maybe it's time,

It's time to learn to be silent

After all, it's better than saying something bad.

Let's try it.

No, seriously try.

And it asked: "Am I Afraid?" 我不是

I have never felt in any day of my life, this awful.

I'm feeling an unbelievable longing and emptiness to something none can describe.

Not even me.

Yes.

As time passed by, as hair grows longer, and as tear gets drier,

Lives are nearing ends,

If not today, then it might be tomorrow,

If not now, then might be later

But one thing for certain, it has to end.

If not here, then forever.

Ramadan is near.

And us? Can we reach it?

How many times have you, they say "fully utilize Ramadan?"

How many times have I?

Nay.

So,

Would it make a difference if, it's Ramadan without you?

Or you without Ramadan?

Indeed, it would.

And this, to ponder.

How To Make Soft, Delicious, Attractive, Tempting, Colourful and Easy Butter Cake (For Dummies) hahah

In this post, I'm going to teach you how to make the best three colours butter cake with the most easiest recipe (provided you follow the steps carefully)

It'll comes in handy. Wait, what?

EASY BUTTER CAKE RECIPE

so easy you might cry

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 cups of castor sugar
• 2 cups of butter
• 6 grade-A eggs
• 4 cups of self-raising flour
• Vanilla essence
• 1 cup of fresh chocolate milk (or just simply milk)
• colourings (red, green, yellow)

THE STEPS:

1. Mix sugar and butter and and beat it until fluffy. (Tips: beat it slowly for 2 minutes, then medium speed and go full speed until the sugar is fined and the batter turns light).
2. Add in eggs one by one and beat slowly until all eggs are mixed. Then beat until the eggs turns white or become fluffy.
3. Add in 2 tablespoons of vanilla. Mix.
4. Add in flour cup by cup and mix well. (do not use mixer anymore, use spatula and stir using right hand, I'm serious!).
5. Then add in milk and mix well.
6. Split the batter into three bowls and give each a colour (red, yellow and green).
7. Butter a cake pan and adds in flour evenly until it covers the butter. Remove excess flour. This is done so the cake won't stick.
8. Add one scoop of yellow batter in the middle of the cake pan and overlays with other colours on top of the first batter. Scoop each colour in layers until finish. Use spatula to avoid waste.
9. Bake in a preheated oven in a 170 Centigrades (or depends) for about 1 hour or until baked.
10. To test whether the cake is baked or not, slightly pin a thin needle in the middle of the cake and see if nothing sticks to it, it's baked. Or just use your instinct. Instinct sometimes is really helpful. But sometimes could screw you too. Or if you see the edge of your cake starts to loosen from the cake pan, then it's fully baked. Turn off the oven immediately.

SOME ESSENTIAL BAKING TIPS (you don't wanna miss this)

• From beginning, stir the batter in only one direction. Do not change direction or it will make the cake heavy and unable to raise properly when baked.
• If the butter/margarine is too soft in room temperature, lessen the amount. And when measuring the butter, do not scoop it fully into the cup. Let it be loosely.
• The sugar may be decreased a bit to avoid diabetes.
• Avoid using rotten eggs (well nobody does)
• Use fresh eggs.
• Make sure the sugar and butter is beaten until fluffy before adding eggs to ensure the cake gets fluffy too.
• The eggs must be beaten until it mix well with sugar and butter.
• Make sure the flour is sifted no matter what. Unsifted flour may make your cake too heavy and hard and does not rise.
• Do not mix the flour using mixer. Avoid stirring too much your batter when flour is added to avoid it being clayey (liat). 
• When measuring flour into the cups, do not press the flour because it will make it compact which would result in excessive flour being added.
• I usually use pineapple juice instead of chocolate milk. But this was one time that I ran out of pineapple juice, so I used milk instead. And it turned out to be that the cake is softer and smoother.
• If you can't find juice or milk, using drinking water is acceptable. I once use apple juice and orange juice, but pineapple juice will add some unique taste to your cake. However, milk is what making your cake fluffier.
• Make sure the batter does not exceed more that 2/3 of the height of your cake pan. Otherwise, your cake will jump out of the pan while baking. Cake loves to jump you know?
• In the first 45 minutes of baking, do not open your oven because heat will loss and the cake will shrink due to sudden temperature drop and bla bla blah... Just don't do it!
• When your cake is baked, turn off the oven and let the cake cool down in it. Open the oven door a little bit and make sure your cake doesn't get burnt.
• It's okay if your cake seemed "taller" in the oven but slightly shrink after the baking process is finished. Come on, do you learn Physics?
• When the cake is cooled, or not too hot (sometimes hot cakes are the best), you can try to cut it and see how the texture looks like and taste it. If you're disappointed, do not give up. Do you know how many times Thomas Edison invented bulbs? Did he give up? Then why would you?
• Try again next time. If you think there's something wrong with this recipe, use your instinct and creativity. After all, this is all my instinct.

This is not illuminati

Okay, good luck!

I Saw an Aftermath of Death

"Today I saw an aftermath of death. At the corner of the bushy road. Where cars and lorries passed by."

"And today, Death passed by. And left an empty vessel with no life, a body showered in his own blood."

This evening, there was a slight and sudden road jam. Though it was short, but it was sobbing. I was sober in my heart. I saw a man lying in the bush with some flower of blood painting on his own skin.

It was expectable, when seeing him still with no movement, and that nobody was near him, I knew that he was gone but I was too afraid to accept the reality. He might have no relation with me, and I don't even know him, but I was feeling empathy. I put myself in his situation.

That could be the end of his journey in this world, but what about the life he left behind? His family? His wife, his children, his parents, friends, siblings, and everything else.

I can't imagine, that moment, his wife could be preparing food, waiting him to come home, his children could be playing, asking their mom, "When is daddy coming back?". Despite at the moment, that important man of the family already left things behind. At that moment, his family keep on waiting for him to ride his bike home, not knowing that he would never return.

He's gone through his stupor of death, and what he left behind, was probably far more than we could imagine. But we don't know even slightly of what he may bring along in his meeting with his Lord.

Us?

May The Odds Be Ever In My Favour

I have always been dreaming to be a teacher one day since I was in primary school.

I tried applying to be a high school teacher, no respond.

I tried applying to be a secondary school teacher, still no respond.

And I tried applying to be primary school teacher, God knows, they're still too busy to respond. I understand. Really.

So I tried asking for a tuition centre tutor, well, there are no vacancies!

Then, finally applied for kindergarten school teacher, who knows? May the odds be ever in my favour.

I have something to tell, but not now.

Wait, will ya?

After All This While

I have been busy. I have been involved with the registration of new UiTM students. Heh. I, registered.

And, to be said, it’s not that I really don’t have time to write something, but it was due to the super-duper-extremely-bad-and-unimaginablly-terrible network coverage here. Nah, you must be wondering which planet could I possibly be now?

Well, I’m on planet Jasin.

This is a newly opened franchise of UiTM which was built on a ceruk-hutan-ladang-kelapa-sawit. So, yeah what do you expect?

I wasn’t expecting much, and it turned out to be seriously nothing to be expected at all. Come on! They have an empty library without any single book! How cool is that huh? And not to mention, they have an uncountable number of computers; none!

Wait, I’m not trying to look down on this UiTM, it’s just that this is a new campus, and we’re the first creature to live in this place – not to mention there might be some other creepy creatures here too – so, deal with it.

So of course, since everything about this place is new, every building is new, things are progressing slowly. The contractors are still building some infrastructures, the officers are updating documents, the librarians are busy collecting books and the polis bantuan are busy sueing students.

Wait, what?

Okay.

So basically, I’m just telling you news, that I’m still alive here, breathing this dusty-smoky-hazy air. Erk. Okay you guys, just be safe and be grateful for every nikmat you have cause we never know, what come later might not be the things we like, and so before that time comes, let’s teach ourselves, to be thankful. Some other people might not even get the slightest nikmat we’re getting today.

Life’s good.

Okay.

Bye.

Multitasking? Of course not me!

I can't do multitasking. Seriously.

Some people say women are better at multitasking things
So that eventually means men are un-better-less-ness-awfully-the-hell-is-this not as good as women
Perhaps, that could be true

When I listen, I could only listen
For instance I cannot write well when listening
I can write, it's just that it will have zero chance that it'll pass trough my heart

Okay just forget it.

Is There Still Hope?

I was blind before
All I see was darkness
After all this while
I thought I've seen the light

I tried walking into it
But endless far I have been
I was lost in a place so bright
Though you have put me back where I begin
I end up stuck myself in between

Is there still hope?
For a person like me
As much as I keep fighting it in
It end up emerging free from within

Is there still hope for me
I have gone far, far too long
When I thought I might have win
But never even once, I did not give in

The courage inside me shall never die
So long as there's sun and sky
Although sometimes I'm sad and I cry
I'm never gonna put it out of try

So you can see me cry and sober
But never again I'm becoming a loser
I don't need a person to keep my strength
For him alone, I walk on length

And him alone, to light my hope
And him, I have everything.

Marriage (Jodoh bahasa Inggeris apa eh?)

I may have not loved anyone, but I always love blueberry cheese tart.

I have never been in love with anyone. I never knew what does coupling feels like. Erk. You know what I'm sayin'?

Eversince I lived, even during my dark ages(?), I have never, ever, not even once, experienced these couple-boy-girl-immatured-love thingy. Do you trust me? Well, you should! Why? Because I don't tell lies. Sometimes (during my dark ages, heh), I wonder why. Why haven't I get the opportunity to ever experience such moments. Sometimes I got worried, could it be that no one would want to be, erk, my girlfriend? Could it be that no one looks up to me? But this doesn't mean that during my dark ages, I allowed such immoral and unshameful acts and behaviors, such as holding hands, touching here, touching there, what?

But, it would be a lie if I say I never had feelings to anyone, I did (and sometimes I do). Maybe it's just that I didn't know how to express it, or I might be too shy.

There was once, I admired my form 5 senior when I was in form 3, she was a prefect (read carefully), and I too was. So, yeah! Guess what? Nothing happened! Heh. Well, actually we can't always control our feelings such as that, am I right? We tend to admire/like anything that brings fondness to our heart. And what matters most is how we react towards that situation. Do we let ourselves being controlled by desire, or we control our desire?

Keep your answer.

And now, I strongly believe, everything that happened was for a reason, or reasons. Heh. After all, He saves the best for the last right? Now that I've walked into the Light (still walking), I see there's a huge lesson to be learnt. Everything that happened, or did not happen, were meant to protect me (cewah perasan).

I've heard somewhere, an ustazah said:

"Orang yang pernah bercinta sebelum berkahwin, tidak layak untuk orang yang belum pernah bercinta. Kerana percintaan selepas kahwin itu jauh sangat berbeza dengan sebelum kahwin. Percintaan sebelum perkahwinan, apa yang kita dapat hanya lakonannya. Sedangkan perkahwinan itu hakikatnya tidak sentiasa manis.  

Bayangkan seorang wanita/lelaki yang bercinta sebelum berkahwin, cintanya begitu murah diberikan kepada entah siapa-siapa, lalu adilkah untuk cinta yang pernah dirasai oleh siapa-siapa itu untuk diberi kepada orang yang cinta pertamanya khusus untuk isteri/suaminya?"

Erk. I may have changed the actual sentence about 90% because I can't remember it well. But it was something like that, lah. I'm not saying that it's wrong to marry a person who had experienced monkey love, elephant love or even cicak kubing love. Islam doesn't even state that. But why can't we save something special, for someone very special? Yeah?

Okay, this, actually to give strength and motivation to those who never experienced monkey love. Hah. But if you're not ashamed, do as you pleased.

Now,

Many of my brothers are stepping one stair ahead; they are getting married. Of course I am jealous. But, seriously, it's not the time for me yet. I will wait, and let the Owner of time decides. Ohoi.

I once said to my mother: "Ibu, ibu carikanlah abang mana-mana calon yang sesuai. Abang terima je." Erk.

Make Me Strong (All These Things Around Me)

Hope that one day I will be okay

I know I’m waiting
Waiting for something
Something to happen to me
But this waiting comes with
Trials and challenges
Nothing in life is free
I wish that somehow
You’d tell me out aloud
That on that day I’ll be ok
But we’ll never know cause
That’s not the way it works
Help me find my way

My Lord show me right from wrong
Give me light make me strong
I know the road is long
Make me strong
Sometimes it just gets too much
I feel that I’ve lost touch
I know the road is long
Make me strong

I know I’m waiting
Yearning for something
Something known only to me
This waiting comes with
Trials and challenges
Life is one mystery
I wish that somehow
You’d tell me out aloud
That on that day you’ll forgive me
But we’ll never know cause
That’s not the way it works
I beg for your mercy

My Lord show me right from wrong
Give me light make me strong
I know the road is long
Make me strong
Sometimes it just gets too much
I feel that I’ve lost touch
I know the road is long
Make me strong

These are the lyrics of Sami Yusuf - Make Me Strong. Someone I don't know shared me the song. Mashaallah! Subhanallah beautiful words!

May Allah bless her. I mean, him, or her! Jzkk!

You Know It Yourself

There's still hope

There are things that you know, things that others know, things that you know but others don’t, things that others know but you don’t.

Also, there are things that everyone knows and things that none of us know.

And you know it yourself, when you feel high or when you feel down. I mean in term of taqwa. Yes! We all know it!

It’s common sense, but not for all. Know that when you feel how high up or how down low your taqwa is, that means the least you have is as thin as onion shell, taqwa!

Sometimes, too long the heart hardens. But do not give up just yet! So long as there’s time, there’s hope! Hard things they are bendable, really!

I have been away. For weeks. Far from home. So my momentum is quite altered. And I need to find it back. So I could keep my pace.

Pray for me! And our brothers and sisters.

Are We Forgetting Something?

Rust in the heart is not the same with this

Today, I see people have forgotten their real purpose of life. I saw dry leaves fell off the ground along the street, I saw dust particles floats in the air. Then I looked at myself. How could my complex existance can’t even get full marks for anatomy quizes (when I was answering questions about my own body) became so disfunctional in this world.

Today I see not many of us really understand the “syahadah” itself. “I witness there is no God except Allah and Muhammad is His messenger.” How about you?

Today, I was given an insight that made my heart weep. Trembled.

“Though they will be put in sight of each other,- the sinner's desire will be: Would that he could redeem himself from the Penalty of that Day by (sacrificing) his children, His wife and his brother, His kindred who sheltered him, And all, all that is on earth,- so it could deliver him:” [70: 11-14]

Then Allah replies with;

"By no means! for it would be the Fire of Hell! Plucking out (his being) right to the skull!" [70: 15-16]

I imagined the faces of my father, mother, brothers and sisters, relatives, friends, teachers and every person I know. It’s confusing because I couldn’t imagine the day they would be quarrelling to blame one another along with me so they could enter Jannah and fighting over the rewards of good deeds. Weren’t they the one we loved?

O Allah! Indeed he never reminds me of the truth. Pull him out from Jannah!

Allah.

If we truly understand it, the syahadah puts us in a large responsibility. I witness the truth and it is my responsibility to tell others about that proclaimed truth.

It’s unpicturable how the Prophet felt at that time. Alone. Us? We are many but still, coward.

Do not let his dripping sweat, his weeps, his prayer, his wounds became useless to us. Verily, calling people for truth (dakwah) will not stop. Not until the rules from Allah stand fast on earth.

O people! Die with the accomplished responsibility as His servant and His caliph. Do not let our body be as stink corpses, becoming rotten alongside garbage, full of sins, full of evil, condemned by Allah.

How could we easily give up when Rasulullah faced the greatest challenge?

-Translated from Bahasa Malaysia and dedicated to a Facebook friend-

Journey to a Dark, Stinky and Dirty Heart Enveloped In Darkness

Do you have a heart? Don't tell lies. Everyone does have a heart. Now ask yourself this question: "How is my heart doing? Is he fine? Or, is she fine?" Or do you need another question? Or do you need to ask somebody else about the condition of your heart? Need not! Because only you know, how well is your heart.

Sometimes it makes me ponder by just looking at the leaves. The one that is so green, fresh and alive. I ask myself a question: "Am I similar to that leaves? Or the one that falls off to the ground? The one that people stepped on."

Silence.

Now I ask you a question. What do you feel when looking at the leaves? Or you cannot relate it to your life? Why am I comparing lives with leaves? What is the significance?

See, leaves, they are very strong. They stick to the branches of the trees. Come down rain or strong wind, they stick! Unless it is already the time for them to let it go, they let it go. When leaves die, they becomes detached and gust will flew them anywhere. As time goes by, the leaves starts to dry. Or they even actually dried since they were at the branches, thus making them fall down, sucked by gravity. And later, when the leaves turned brown, they start to crack, making a crunchy sound when crushed. And do you know what happens next? They got burned! Once becoming too dry, they are simply lighted, leaving dust and soot.

Now, the same goes to your heart, my heart, our heart! Once it dries, it becomes dead. And a dead heart goes to that one place I'd rather not say. Question is, how does it becomes dead? Possibly when we have too much entertainment, being too far from the right track, disobeying what we're ought to do, ignoring our parents and most importantly, forgetting our Creator. Get that?

Think!

Now close your eyes, relax yourself and look deep into your heart. Search for your heart. Do you find it? Do you find your heart? Keep looking, until you find it. Is it nothing you see but pitch black? Probably too much darkness has resides in your heart, making it impenetrable even by light. First, you need to remove that blanket of darkness which has enveloped your heart.

Think! Think of all the bad deeds you've made. As much as you can remember. Do it! Picture it as if you are watching a movie of yourself doing the awful things. Then, what do you feel about it? Do you feel bad? Do you regret it? Let go of your feelings, your emotions, let go of your tears.

Do you think it was worth it? What would people think if they see you doing this in front of them? Do you want to stop doing it? And in the future, do you want to repeat these mistakes? Aren't you tired of doing this? Yes? It is yes?

Open your eyes slowly.

See the light that enters your eyes. Imagine that as the light that just entered your heart. Outshining the darkness that has been residing in your heart for ages. And now, it's gone.

But beware! It will come back. So you mustn't stop doing this. You mustn't stop repenting, for this is just the beginning to start a new. For a new end. No man, no matter how great shall know his own destiny.

And that destiny, is what you choose now!

"We humans, should never stop repenting for we sinned so long as the sun shines."

-Dedicated to Abang Terompah, and his later self, and later later-

Introduction: Reintroduced

Photo credit to... myself! Wahahaha

I have been away from this realm since last August. And now, I guess I'm making my return. Return to Laccopetalum.

Sincerely, this realm had been unlisted from google and privatized. I was intending to put this realm on hold. But now to the extend of deleting it. I believe that sometimes, I may want to be back here. Until at a certain time or moment, I realized that I need to let my "accent" flow, here. So that it won't stuck and freeze. So I let it flow here.

This, is solely my thoughts on unnecessary things. But from time to time, maybe something beneficial may emerge from out of here. Sometimes. My older posts might be too nonsense compared to this, and the upcoming posts. But, "apa aku merepek ni?"

I have realize that I have a lot of grammar thingy to be improved. I know that, I really do. But I just don't know how much I have been trying to help myself. I mean, I can't just do nothing and all of a sudden say; "I have perfected my grammar! Yeay!" right? I'll have to start anew. Okay. This is another problem.

I feel like writing some other post today. So, yeah. This is the intro, reintroduced.

Seriously, I feel like a primary student's writing now. Oh My English!